You should quit
I quit.
Not everything, just the things that don’t serve me, enrich me, or aid in building and living the life I choose and need.
Quitting was always something I viewed as taboo and what other people do. From a young age quitting was taught to me as something weak individuals with poor character do and always leads to disastrous consequences. This sort of black and white thinking dominated my life for four decades, and did little except harm me and my loved ones in the long run.
The first time I ever really quit something was when I decided to retire from the military. Most I think wouldn’t consider retirement as “quitting” and I honestly don’t consider it that either, but my parents certainly did.
I was quitting my illustrious military future, they felt. Throwing away over 20 years of service so close to making the coveting rank of Chief Master Sergeant. And then, once I did that I’d just need to stay in until I hit 30 years in service, then I would’ve achieved something special in their eyes. Besides…what’s another ten years?
My mom would sit and draw out for me how that extra ten years and making Chief would secure my place as a Fox News contributor. Did I want to be a Fox News contributor? No, no I did not. Also…if you’ve watched Fox News or quite literally any news network there aren’t a whole lot of retired Chief Master Sergeants sitting in the guest seats. The most you ever see of any enlisted is if they worked in some sort of special operator position…of which I did not.
Quitting the military, as my parents viewed it, was a decision I made after years of being beat down, abused, used, and conditioned to live in a literal state of constant fear. What I was afraid of while I wore the uniform wasn’t deploying, in fact I was rather fond of deploying after having done it so much. There tended to be less BS on deployments and more just doing the job. Something I thrived on and wished there was more of at home station.
What I was afraid of was the military politics that surrounded the service from the time I was a young Airman until I left as a Senior Master Sergeant. The politics were fickle, and working hard and being smarter than the guy next to you was rarely enough to survive in that world.
I finally just couldn’t take it anymore, and decided on a Sunday morning that I was done. I quit.
My next instance of quitting came years later.
I quit my family.
Not the one I built of course, but the one I had been born into.
My conditioning to fear, constantly striving to fit in and be accepted while also feeling utterly unworthy and incapable of anything worthwhile started at a very young age. For over 40 years I put up with emotional and verbal neglect and abuse. It wasn’t until I allowed them to almost ruin me financially that I finally said enough is enough and removed myself and my family from their toxic ecosystem.
It broke my heart to remove myself from a family that I had held up on such a high pedestal. It particular hurt to leave my father behind who is suffering from a neurological disorder that will likely eventually take away his memory of me altogether.
I still hurt, and it’s a pain I can’t describe fully in words. But, I no longer feel hate or anger. Instead I feel gratitude for being able to finally muster the courage to say…I quit.
Which brings me to my latest adventure in quitting.
I quit school last week.
Again, I grew up in a household that held college education as the golden ticket for success, and success meant a big paycheck, prestige, and a big house. My mother was the primary pusher of higher education, even though she refused to help either my brother or me out with going to college after high school. We were both forced into military service and told to get our education for free via that route…which we did (at least I’m assuming my brother utilized his GI Bill as I did).
To be fair to my mom who ironically is the only person in my family without a college education it was all the rage my entire life for society to push higher education. It was even told to most of us that it didn’t matter what we got our degrees in, “as long as we had the piece of paper”.
I got my Associates in Financial Management because that is what the military would provide, my Bachelors in Political Science because I foolishly thought it would help me get into a political career field post military, and my Masters in Political Management for the exact same reason as the Bachelors.
After stepping away from my family I felt adrift, lost in the world and in my life. So I did what I’m good at it, I enrolled in school…again.
For the past two years I’ve been enrolled in a PhD program in Law and Policy. I originally enrolled because I wanted to finally prove to my mother that I was intelligent and I figured why not use my GI Bill benefits that were left over.
But recently, my school had been taking me away from the things I really enjoy. Things like writing, engaging with my community and kids, and experiencing the rest of my life. My stress level had also been through the roof. What if I don’t pass? What if this is for nothing like my other degrees? What am I missing out on?
I realized I was right back in a cycle I had left almost five years ago with the military. A cycle of fear, feeling less than, and just in general a sense of loss.
So I quit.
My mother doesn’t care and likely would never have known if I got my PhD or not. And if a Master’s from GWU and retirement after 20+ years of highly decorated military service wasn’t enough to impress that woman…nothing would. Plus, I don’t care what she thinks.
Now I am finally starting to live the life I was excited to finally live almost five years ago when I retired from the military. A life I build on my terms doing the things that I find valuable.
So my message to you out there if you are reading this is if there is something you feel called to do, if there is an emptiness you feel inside your soul…take the plunge and be a quitter. Because life is short and often shorter than we planned it to be.
Wouldn’t you rather quit the known misery and dare to step into the unknown possibilities?
