I Spent My Life Trying to “Earn It”…From the Wrong People and Places
For most of my life, like many of you, I thought the key to success, respect, and self-worth was to earn it…through hard work, sacrifice, and proving myself to others. I chased awards, recognition, and medals with everything I had. During my 20 years in the military, I poured my entire being into being the absolute best at my job. Arguably, I was. I busted my tail, went above and beyond, and earned countless honors along the way.
Yet, at the end of that long road, when I was vying for a highly selective position that a panel of my peers said I was the best candidate for, the decision came down to something I couldn’t control: my race. The Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Force at the time decided I wasn’t “diverse” enough. That moment was the straw that broke my back. It shattered my faith in a system I’d given my life to. No matter how hard I tried, how much I sacrificed, or how excellent I was, it didn’t matter. I was white, and that barred me from the opportunity. It broke my heart and pushed me to retire earlier than I had planned.
This was one of my two major “crisis of being” moments. The other was deeply personal. My family was always complicated. My mother had high hopes for my brother…he was her golden ticket to social elevation. But me? I was always considered “mediocre,” someone who needed to be managed and shuffled off to a system designed to “handle" people like me. After decades of manipulation, deception, and betrayal that nearly ruined me and my family…both financially and emotionally…I came to a painful truth: nothing I ever did would be good enough for them. Despite having a family, I was, in essence, an orphan.
And so I was left standing in the ruins of these realizations, forced to ask myself questions that I had spent most of my adult life avoiding:
Who the Hell Am I?
For years, I answered that question with my rank, my job title, or my accolades. But strip those things away, and who’s left? I’ve come to understand that who I am isn’t defined by how the military judged me or how my family failed to see me.
I am a woman of faith. A wife. A mother. A warrior in both uniform and life. I am someone who endured and emerged stronger. Who I am is someone no system or toxic relationship can diminish again.
Does Anything I’ve Ever Done Matter?
Yes. It matters…not because it earned me applause, medals, or parental approval, but because it shaped me. My service mattered because it was honorable. My sacrifices mattered because they were made in love and conviction. The lessons I learned, and the scars I carry, are the very things that now help me speak truth to others. Everything I’ve endured has prepared me for something greater than recognition: purpose.
What Is It I Want to Be?
I want to be free.
Free from the constant need for external validation.
Free from performing for systems that were never designed to value people like me for the right reasons.
I want to be a builder…of strong families, communities, and future leaders. I want to be someone who speaks up for truth when it's unpopular and creates space for others to find healing and direction.
Who Is It I Want to Be?
I want to be someone who chooses meaning over metrics. Someone whose integrity isn’t for sale. I want to be a woman who lifts others out of the traps I’ve escaped. I want to be a model of what it looks like to live boldly, faithfully, and freely…even after devastation. I want to be the kind of person my children are proud to know not just as “Mom,” but as someone who fought for truth and lived it out.
A Perspective on Living Well
The answers to life’s deepest questions don’t come from institutions, ideologies, or approval from others. They come from you…your faith, your convictions, your family, your personal responsibility. Here's what I’ve learned:
1. You Don’t Owe Yourself to Broken Systems
Whether it's the military, corporate America, or your own family of origin…no institution or relationship that demands you lose yourself to earn love, respect, or opportunity is worthy of your devotion.
2. Freedom Begins With Ownership
Liberty is personal. No one is coming to save you. Take ownership of your story, your healing, and your path forward. That’s the truest kind of freedom.
3. Your Value Is Not Up for Debate
Stop handing your worth over to people, titles, or structures. Your dignity is not something to be earned. It’s something to live from.
4. Choose Your Tribe Wisely
Family isn’t always blood. Build your circle with people who love you for who you are, not who they want you to become. That’s the soil where purpose grows.
5. Faith Grounds, Heals, and Directs
When the world fails you…and it will…your faith becomes your compass. My renewed relationship with God has anchored me, quieted my heart, and reminded me I was never alone, even when I felt most forsaken.
6. Live for Legacy, Not Likes
In a culture obsessed with external validation, choose the slower, deeper road. Raise your kids well. Love your spouse. Be involved in your community. That’s the kind of success that no panel or parent can take from you.
Final Thoughts
If you’re tired of trying to earn your worth from systems that will never truly see you, you’re not alone. I’ve been there. I still wrestle with it some days. But I’ve come to understand that peace doesn’t come from applause. It comes from truth, from faith, and from the freedom to live life on your terms…unapologetically.
You don’t have to prove your worth. You just have to stop letting others define it.
Let go. Take ownership. Live free.
